Rider of the Week
accumulating 286 points
1. 13643 Laura Kraut..........................Wellington, FL ....................(1)
2. 11530 Beezie Madden.....................Cazenovia, NY ....................(2)
3. 9911 Richard Fellers.......................Sherwood, OR ....................(3)
4. 8953 Richard Spooner.....................Santa Clarita, CA ................(4)
5. 8418 Kent Farrington......................Wellington, FL ....................(5)
6. 7960 Lauren Hough(238).................Wellington, FL ....................(6)
7. 6493 Mario Deslauriers.....................New York, NY ....................(7)
8. 6063 Margie Engle..........................Wellington, FL ....................(8)
9. 5131 Reed Kessler..........................Armonk, NY .....................(10)
10. 5038 McLain Ward........................Brewster, NY ......................(9)
11. 4716 Brianne Goutal......................New York, NY ..................(12)
12. 4712 Charlie Jayne........................Elgin, IL ...........................(11)
13. 4500 Leslie Howard.......................Darien, CT ........................(13)
14. 4212 Katie Dinan..........................New York, NY ..................(14)
15. 3841 Lauren Tisbo........................Wellington, FL ..................(15)
16. 3687 Christine McCrea(254)...........East Windsor, CT .............(16)
17. 2953 Ashlee Bond.........................Hidden Hills, CA ................(17)
18. 2775 Cara Raether(286).................N Palm Beach, FL ............(20)
19. 2736 Katie Prudent(279)................Middleburg, VA ................(21)
20. 2697 Lucy Davis...........................Los Angeles, CA ...............(19)
21. 2646 Saer Coulter.........................San Francisco, CA ............(18)
22. 2169 Jessica Springsteen...............Colts Neck, NJ .................(22)
23. 2002 Quentin Judge......................Wellington, FL ..................(23)
24. 1990 Nicholas Dello Joio.................Wellington, FL ..................(24)
25. 1884 Kirsten Coe..........................Johnston, SC .....................(25)
26. 1651 Molly Ashe-Cawley................Wellington, FL ..................(26)
27. 1557 Jeffery Welles......................Brewster, NY .....................(27)
28. 1472 Catherine Pasmore(151).........Wellington, FL ..................(32)
29. 1451 Jonathan McCrea(81).............East Windsor, CT .............(29)
30. 1448 Candice S. King(71)..............Wellington, FL ...................(30)
1 Farrington, Kent USA 37
2 Lamaze, Eric CAN 28
3 Dinan, Katie USA 25
3 Madden, Beezie USA 25
5 Kochetova, Liubov RUS 23
6 Bluman, Daniel COL 22
6 Kessler, Reed USA 22
6 Howard, Leslie USA 22
9 Kerins, Darragh IRL 21
9 Judge, Quentin USA 21
11 Dello Joio, Nick USA 20
12 Foster, Tiffany CAN 19
13 Crooks, Sean USA 17
13 Shane Sweetname IRL 17
15 Leone, Peter USA 15
16 Moloney, Richie IRL 12
16 Coe, Kirsten USA 12
16 Ward, McLain USA 12
16 Covert-Lawrence, A CAN 12
20 Jayne, Charlie USA 10
1 Bond, Ashlee USA 33
1 Spooner, Richard USA 33
3 Asselin, Jonathan CAN 29
4 Serek, Jenn CAN 20
4 Feller, Rich USA 20
4 Crooks, Jennifer IRL 20
7 Buirs, Samantha CAN 15
8 Chipko, Tammy USA 10
9 Morton, Brian CAN 9
10 Waring, Katie CAN 8
10 Senderos, Manuel MEX 8
12 Sullivan, Tiffany USA 7
13 Wachter, Beda CAN 6
13 Asselin, Ben CAN 6
15 Tidball, Laura Jane CAN 5
1 420 KAITLIN CAMPBELL
2 350 REED KESSLER
3 290 SHANE SWEETNAM
290 ASHLEE BOND
290 BEEZIE MADDEN
6 250 PAIGE JOHNSON
7 190 MARGIE ENGLE
8 180 HARDIN TOWELL
180 MEGAN NUSZ
10120 CHARLIE JAYNE
120 DANIELLE GOLDSTEIN
12120 RITCHIE MALONEY
Olympic Individual Gold Medalist Steve Guerdat of Switzerland (by Sue Stickle)
Olympic Team Gold Medalists from Great Britain (Sue Stickle)
Candice King and Kismet 50 posted the only clear round to win the $75,000 Fidelity Investments Grand Prix at the Silver Oak Equestrian Center in Hampton Falls, NH (Tammy Hardy)
Eduardo Menezes had the only double clear round to win the $25,000 Blenheim Summer Classic Grand Prix at San Juan Capistrano, CA (Captured Moments)
Taylor Land and Nepal galloped to victory in the Traders Point $60,000 Grand Prix of Indianapolis in Zionsville, IN (Sue Weakley)
Aaron Vale and Palm Sunday won the Traders Point $30,000 Russell Fortune Memorial Grand Prix (Carrie Wirth)
Guy Thomas and Peterbilt scored the top spot in the Menlo Charity Horse Show $40,000 Menlo Grand Prix (Alden Corrigan)
Had to write a quick note – Louise Parkes article in the PhelpsSports Olympic Blog was fantastic. She speculates about the teams a little and gives a great overview of how it will all playout and who are the officials are at the Olympics. Well organized and well written –thanks Louise.
Thanks for the great coverage from London! I only wish the results could have been different for all of the US squads.
Huntington, Beach, CA
I signed up just before the Olympic Games and I must say, it was well worthwhile. The stories and photos from London were compelling and the blogs from McLain and Charlie were excellent as well.
Great job on the Olympics coverage at Phelps. Congrats to all of your staff. My wife and really enjoyed your Olympic blog. That was almost as much fun as the equestrian reporting.
Dr and Mrs. Wm Landon
I thought the reporting at PhelpsSports was the best of all the outlets.
Rebecca Walton did a nice job in covering the events and Sue’s photos were well done and the entire coverage was presented well.
Too bad the United States went down the tubes again.
Your Olympic blog was excellent!!
via Twitter: Reed Kessler at the Closing with with USEF's Lizzie Chesson
Athletes arrive - Americans in white
Big Ben and the London Eye are depicted during the Closing Ceremony
Britain's Prince Harry (L) and Dutchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton
flags of the competing nations
very cool! John Lennon from the 'Imagine' video while Imagine was performed in the Stadium
Pet Shop Boys
Russell Brand on the Magic Bus
The Spice Girls
Timothy Spall poses as Winston Churchill
We Will Rock You! Brian May of Queen performs alongside Jessie J
The Olympic flame
The Hamilton Farm Stable Courtyard will honor George H. Morris, William C. Steinkraus and Frank D. Chapot
The United States Equestrian Team Foundation is pleased to announce the dedication of the Hamilton Farm Stable Courtyard on Saturday, October 6, 2012. The courtyard will honor Frank D. Chapot, George H. Morris and William C. Steinkraus. This dedication is through a generous gift made to the Gladstone Fund by Jane Forbes Clark, USET Foundation President.
"No three people have ever done more for U.S. Show Jumping then Frank, George, and Bill. They are truly dedicated and gifted horsemen who have laid the foundation, and set the example, for excellence in this country. They are true legends and leaders in the sport of show jumping and it is wonderful to dedicate the courtyard at Gladstone, the home of the United States Equestrian Team, in their honor," remarked Clark.
The dedication will take place at Hamilton Farm in Gladstone, NJ, in conjunction with the USEF Talent Search Finals - East where approximately 100 of the top young show jumping riders in this country will be competing in this prestigious championship. The importance of recognizing Frank, George and Bill in front of this country's aspiring young talent will be a wonderful opportunity for the past, and the future, generations of show jumping to come together in honoring these iconic men and their accomplishments.
In honor of the 100th Anniversary of the Hamilton Farm Stable (2017), the USET Foundation established "The Gladstone Fund" to preserve this important legacy and historic facility. The Hamilton Farm Stable is central to supporting the Foundation's mission through providing a world-class facility for Olympic, Pan American and World Championship Selection Trials, National Championships, Training Sessions and special equestrian events and exhibitions. The USET Foundation's headquarters and the High Performance division of the United States Equestrian Federation remain at the facility in Gladstone, NJ.
The Capital Challenge Horse Show (CCHS) is pleased to announce that the 2012 prize lists were mailed out and the PDF is available for download on the official horse show website www.capitalchallenge.org.
In addition to the entry blank, also available for download are: the feed and bedding pre-order forms; stabling request forms; and the schedule of events.
The Capital Challenge Horse Show will be held for it’s 19th year at the Prince George’s Equestrian Center in Upper Marlboro, MD. This year’s dates are September 29th through October 7th beginning with the Equitation Weekend, presented by BigEq.com, and followed up with the USEF AA rated event.
As always, the horse show is proud to join with the United States Hunter Jumper Association (USHJA) to present the year-end World Champion Hunter Rider (WCHR) classes and awards presentations. WCHR classes will take place throughout the week, with the parade of regional and national champions on Friday, October 5th in the Show Place Arena at 7 p.m., prior to the start of the WCHR Professional Finals.
The CCHS will also host the Taylor Harris Insurance Services National Children’s Medal Finals on Sunday, September 30th and the ARIAT National Adult Medal Finals on Friday, October 5th. Following a yearlong qualification process, the nation’s top children’s and adult riders will ride through two rounds in an attempt to take their respective national titles.
The Capital Challenge Horse Show sets itself apart with a distinct and unique focus on preeminent hunter competition. Each year management looks forward to assembling the country’s best horses and riders to compete in junior, amateur, and professional hunter classes.
The Washington International Horse Show (WIHS), is pleased to announce the 2012 WIHS Prize List, which includes several exciting changes to the show program, is now available online. The country's leading metropolitan indoor equestrian event, now in its 54th year, will take place October 23-28, 2012, at Verizon Center in downtown Washington, D.C.
"We take great pleasure in welcoming many of the finest horses and riders in the sport and appreciate all the hard work it takes to get to Washington,” said Bridget Love Meehan, WIHS Executive Director. “We strive to make it a very special experience for exhibitors, spectators and sponsors.”
The U.S. Equestrian Federation (USEF) has granted WIHS a presidential modification to increase the number of WIHS Equitation Finalists to 40 (from 35), with 10 spots available to qualifiers from the West Coast League and 30 from the East Coast League. The increase will give more riders the opportunity to compete in one of the most prestigious equitation finals in North America.
WIHS will also introduce the Amateur-Owner 3'3” Hunter division for the first time with 20 entries accepted, 10 each in the 18-35 and 36 & over age groups.
Entries must be postmarked by midnight September 4. The qualifying period ends August 29, except for the WIHS Children’s and Adult Hunter and Jumper Championships, which ends August 31. For more details, download the Official WIHS Prize List at www.wihs.org/prize-list/. Entries may also be submitted using Equestrian Connect.
Nearly half a million dollars in prize money and special awards will be presented at the show, including Washington favorites like special treats from Georgetown Cupcake and luxury timepieces for the leading hunter and jumper riders, courtesy of Tiny Jewel Box.
Some of the industry’s most respected judges will preside over this year’s competition, including McLain Ward, Alison Robitaille and Todd Karn for the WIHS Equitation Finals; Ralph Caristo, Jimmy Clapperton and Scott Williamson for the hunters; and Ralph Alfano, Neil O'Connor and John Taylor for the jumpers.
WIHS is one of the most historic and well-known equestrian events in the world with a significant record of hosting Olympians, national champions, our country’s most talented young equitation riders, and top ranking junior, amateur and pony competitors, all of whom take to the ring each October in the nation’s capital.
Nationally, WIHS is rated “AA,” the highest possible, by USEF. On the international level, it has a three-star (CSI 3*-W) rating from the International Equestrian Federation (FEI). The ‘W’ indicates the show is one of a select few in the U.S. offering a prestigious World Cup qualifying class. At Washington, the highlight event of show week, the $100,000 President's Cup Grand Prix, is a World Cup qualifier.
In related news, the Washington International’s sister show, the WIHS Regional Horse Show, held on October 19-21, 2012, at Prince George’s Equestrian Center in Upper Marlboro, MD, will now be “C” rated, and will once again host the U.S. Hunter Jumper Association (USHJA) Zone 3 Finals. A very popular stop on the local horse show circuit, the WIHS Regional also offers an alternative way for area riders to qualify for competition at Verizon Center.
Download the 2012 Official WIHS Prize List at www.wihs.org/prize-list/. Learn more about the Washington International and the WIHS Regional Horse Show & USHJA Zone 3 Finals at www.wihs.org, join us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.
La Cañada Flintridge, August 2, 2012 – On September 27 – 30, 2012 the Flintridge Riding Club will host the Flintridge Autumn Classic. This horse show will feature several special classes, as well as some great opportunities to wine and dine at the beautiful Flintridge Riding Club.
The main event of the show is the $15,000 Land Rover Pasadena Grand Prix Hunter Derby, presented by the Villas of Rancho Valencia. This is a qualifying class for the $25,000 Grand Prix Hunter Derby Final and will take place on Saturday evening, September 29, 2012. Exhibitors and spectators will have the opportunity to partake in the Flintridge Riding Club 90th Anniversary Saturday evening dinner, which will take place ringside during the Grand Prix Hunter Derby. The dinner is sponsored by the Huntington Memorial Hospital.
There are several other not-to-be-missed events during the show. These include the $5,000 1.30m Mini Prix, the Equine Insurance/SFHJA Challenge Medal Finals and the Flintridge Riding Club Medal Finals. Additionally, the Huntington Memorial Hospital is also sponsoring a wine and cheese party with live entertainment on Friday night.
There are some great VIP sponsorship opportunities available at the Flintridge Autumn Classic. What better way to watch the show than from front and center at a ringside VIP table?
Entries close and must be postmarked by September 3, 2012.
For additional information please visit the website at www.jumpflintridge.com
Sacramento, August 1, 2012 –The Sacramento International Horse Show has moved from its previous November dates to September 25th through October 7th, 2012 at the Rancho Murieta Equestrian Complex in Sacramento, California. While the dates of the show have changed, the show will continue to hold its place as the premier event in Northern California. Dale Harvey, show organizer, shared, “We’ve moved the show to earlier in the year, and I think it will make it a lot easier for riders to fit it into their schedules. I’m really excited about what this year brings.”
The two-week long show begins with the 2012 Sacramento International Welcome Week. This week features many great classes, including the $5,000 Oak Haven, LLC Grand Prix Hunter Derby presented by Freeceworks, the $15,000 Stoneridge Sacramento International 1.20m Team Championship, and the $25,000 Villas at Rancho Valencia 1.40m Grand Prix.
Following Welcome Week is the 2012 Sacramento International World Cup Week. World Cup Week is expected to draw world-class competition for the $55,000 Land Rover Grand Prix of Sacramento, a World Cup and Thermal Million qualifying event. Other featured classes include the $35,000 Welcome Grand Prix, the $25,000 1.40m ShowBiz Magazine Open Jumper Stake, and the $10,000 Junior/Amateur Grand Prix.
The Sacramento International Horse Show will also be host to riding clinics from some of the biggest names in the equestrian world. Clinicians will include Julie Goodnight, Hope Glynn, Jason Taylor, Bernie Traurig, Rich Fellers and Will Simpson.
The level of competition will be stellar, and the entertainment value unparalleled. The Sacramento International Horse Show is more than a horse show, it’s an event!
Entries close and must be postmarked by September 1, 2012.
For additional information please visit the website at www.sacramentointernationalhorseshow.com.
$10K USHJA International Hunter Derby Winner Sander and John French
Enterprise & Avery Corley winners of the $2,500 Protiviti Consulting Junior Hunter Classic
41+ A_A Jumper CH Stacey Siebel & Excaliber
John Wohr & Pyper Arnold getting ready for the Leadline class
Leading A_O Hunter Rider Ashley Pryde, Archie Cox and Truly
Red White and Blue's mane with smiley face button
Leading Hunter Rider John French with Melissa Freeman MCHS awards committee member
Trip of the Show Carleton Brooks and Sin City with a 90
USHJA Zone 10 First Year Hunter Champion Kensington John Bragg receiving the Scott Wilson award from Alex Wilson
When the Hampton Classic Horse Show returns to Bridgehampton, NY, August 26 – September 2, for its 37th year of world-class equestrian competition, shopping and entertainment, it will once again feature one of its most popular attractions, Optimum® Kids Day.
Optimum® Kids Day, scheduled for Saturday, September 1, features free pony rides for children under 12 and lots of fun children’s activities including the Laughing Pizza Family Band, The Bellini Family Circus & Friends, magic by the Amazing Zola, face painting by Ruby, Llamas from Long Island Livestock, and a Birds of Prey demonstration from the Wildlife Center of the Hamptons.
“We are excited to host Optimum® Kids Day once again as part of our schedule at the Hampton Classic,” said Shanette Barth Cohen, Hampton Classic Executive Director. “Many families return year after year to take part in all the fun activities that are held throughout the day and it’s become one of the Classic’s favorite traditions. In fact, we have some people who came as kids years ago who now come with their own children!”
This marks the second year at the Hampton Classic for the Laughing Pizza Family Band (www.laughingpizza.com), whose music videos can be seen on PBS. Laughing Pizza is made up of Billy, Lisa and their teenage daughter Emily. The family band plays music appropriate for all ages and they have just released a new live DVD & CD.
Also returning is the Bellini Family Circus & Friends who, in addition to performing, will run workshops to allow kids to learn to perform some of what they see. Guidepost Solutions, a global leader in monitoring, compliance, international investigations and risk management solutions, will run a scavenger hunt and provide Junior Investigator Kits.
For those who can’t make it to the Hampton Classic for Optimum® Kids Day, there are events for children being held throughout the week. Every day of the Classic will include activities from My Playful Gardens, the Riverhead Foundation for Marine Research & Preservation, as well as from the ASPCA. The New York Wolf Conservation Center will visit on Tuesday, August 28 and the Classic will host an animal mask project that day as well. On Wednesday, August 29, the Children’s Museum of the Hamptons will be on site with lots of fun activities. On Friday, August 31, there will be a visit by Erik’s Reptile Eventures, and Stony Brook Medicine will host kid friendly activities and a skit called “Mission Nutrition.”
The Hampton Classic features more than 100 classes of competition for horses and riders of all ages. A wide range of jumper, hunter, equitation, short stirrup and leadline classes are part of the Classic’s schedule, as well as competitions for riders with disabilities. The highlight of the Hampton Classic is the $250,000 FTI Grand Prix and FEI World Cup™ Qualifier on Sunday, September 2. The Grand Prix, open to horses that complete Friday's $50,000 Spy Coast Farm/Young Horse Show Series Grand Prix Qualifier, features Olympians, World Champions and other show jumping veterans.
For those who can’t make it to the show grounds, WVVH-TV, the official Long Island television station of the Hampton Classic, broadcasts up to five hours of competition and highlights each day during the Classic. These broadcasts can also be seen on line at www.wvvh.tv. Most of the Classic’s classes will also be available on ShowNet.biz.
Calgary, Alberta – Rocky Mountain Show Jumping is pleased at this time to announce that in conjunction with the Individual Finals in Show Jumping at the 2012 London Olympic Games, that the fabulous Giclee renditions of Kim Penner's painting of Hickstead are now officially available to the public.
One of Canada's great Equine artists will forever be remembered for capturing a "Moment in Time" of the world's most famous show jumping horse. By the conclusion of today, a new horse will reign as Olympic Champion and carry the title for another four years, but the world will never forget the one whose place it took. The painting, entitled, Hickstead's "Moment in Time," was unveiled to the public in an emotional ceremony with Eric present at Goby's Grill in Calgary, this past June.
"Although we have already sold a significant number of Giclees so far, we wanted to wait until closer to the Olympic Games for the official sales launch, and make them easily available to the public for purchase." explained John Anderson, president of Rocky Mountain Show Jumping, and co-founder of the First Leg Up program that will use proceeds from the sales to allow the Canadian Equestrian world to give opportunity to inner city kids by providing them with the chance to ride, as well as support up and coming riders in the sport opportunities that might not normally be available to them.
Philip Rozon, an ambassador for JustWorld International, and good friend of Eric's is pleased that a significant portion of the proceeds will be going to this humanitarian organization that is also dear to Eric, one that he also supports by being an ambassador. JustWorld International acts as a catalyst for positive change in the developing world by working with local partner organizations to provide basic education, nutrition, health, hygiene, and vocational programs for children in impoverished communities in Honduras, Cambodia, Guatemala, and Brazil, and is pleased to be chosen as a recipient of the "Moment in Time" proceeds.
Kim's rendition of the Hickstead "Moment in Time" is a must see, and was greeted by applause at Goby's Grill at Anderson Ranch, when it was unveiled. " I have painted many horses in my career and have loved my work, but never felt the pressure to perform as I have in this project. I have been asked to paint the best horse the world of show jumping has ever seen. I didn't sleep for many a night thinking about the project. As I neared completion, my paint brushes told me what the world already knows. He was truly the best! I am glad that this painting will touch the lives of so many people."
Today another horse will take the crown of Olympic Champion, but will never take the place of Hickstead. "It will be great to have this Legacy of this wonderful horse still alive and helping others. It is truly what this horse was all about." said Eric Lamaze during the interview at the unveiling
Lexington, KY- Renowned equestrian artist Jan Lukens has immortalized last year’s $100,000 USHJA International Hunter Derby Finals champion Lillie Keenan on canvas. This beautiful piece is also the artwork for the 2012 Derby Finals poster which is now available at the shop USHJA web site.
There will be two offerings of this unique colorful poster; shopUSHJA.com with unsigned copies available for $10 each and a signed, limited edition version of the poster will also be offered at $20 each. Limited to only 200, the signed posters will feature the signatures of both the artist Jan Lukens and the winner of the 2011 USHJA International Hunter Derby Finals, Lillie Keenan.
The posters will also be available for purchase at the USHJA headquarters in the Kentucky Horse Park and at the USHJA booth during the 2012 USHJA International Hunter Derby Finals August 17 and 18, 2012.
Based in Greensboro, NC, Lukens has created an oil rendering of Lillie and mount
C Coast Z jumping in last year’s event, which will be on display in the lobby of the USHJA headquarters during the Derby Finals. Lukens was awarded a painting exhibition at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, DC in 1991 after taking top honors in a national portrait competition. This success fueled his decision to leave an illustrious advertising career behind for a life in the fine arts, something the artist has never regretted. His work has been featured on the covers of The Chronicle of the Horse, in the pages of The Artists' magazine, The Equine Image, Ink, and many other notable publications.
USHJA feels very fortunate to have Jan Lukens artwork as the focal point of the 2012 USHJA International Hunter Derby Finals poster.
“I have known Jan Lukens for over 30 years, since my time living and teaching in North Carolina and we actually have one of his prints here in the office. He contacted me in early February to tell me that the National Sporting Library & Museum in Middleburg, VA added one of his equestrian portraits to their permanent collection on January 31st. And to quote Jan: “This is the painter's equivalent of a musician winning a Grammy. “ I followed up with email congratulations and commissioned a portrait of my dog. He mentioned that he would love to do a painting for us of last year’s winner for the Derby prize list cover and that we could create a poster from it to benefit the Derby program. Needless to say we jumped at the opportunity. He and Lillie Keenan have very graciously agreed to sign a number of the posters that we will have for sale, making those even a more special memento of the Derby.” Shelby French, CEO of USHJA said.
Visit the USHJA web site for more information about the 2012 USHJA International Hunter Derby Finals August 17 and 18 at the Kentucky Horse Park in Lexington, KY. To grab your own 2012 Finals poster be sure to check out shopUSHJA.com and to learn more about equestrian artist Jan Lukens’ work visit www.janlukens.com
Steven D. Price is the author or editor of more than thirty-five books, including 1001 Smartest Things Ever Said, The Best Advice Ever Given, 1001 Funniest Things Ever Said, 1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said, and 1001 Insults, Put-Downs and Comebacks, The Quotable Billionaire, The World's Funniest Lawyer Jokes, and Endangered Phrases. A former staff editor on The Random House Dictionary of the English Language, he is a writer and editor and lives in New York City.
(The Bobby is Nick Skelton, the switch boy is Bobby Kraut)
16> Notre Dame Drunken Kennedies
15> Universite de Paris-Sorbonne White Flag Bearers
14> Yale Legacies
13> Occidental Tourists
12> George Washington University Wooden Teeth
11> Duke Overzealous District Attorneys
10> Rutgers Lady Imuses
9> Alabama Crimson Necks
8> Montana Caucasian Survivalists
7> New York Culinary Institute Parmesan-Crusted Chilean Sea Basses
6> Staten Island Fairies
5> Skidmore Undies
4> St. Louis College of Pharmacy Morphine Addicts
3> Vassar Fightin' Domestic Partners
2> Kent State Guardsmen
and HumorLabs.com's Number 1 Worst College Mascot...
1> Duke Consenting Adults
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED: "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!"
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt, or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize there is a big hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Walmart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?